The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
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