My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
