plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
My vagina just clenched in fear
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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