Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
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I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
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It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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