I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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