The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
