I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
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