so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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