If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Randomize
