Just fell off a train. Bad.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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