she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Randomize
