At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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