But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
