You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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