Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
