THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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