after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
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He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
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My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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