Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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