i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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