I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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