I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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