last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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