Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"