you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
23 Strangest Things That Gave Dudes A Boner
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
These 21 People Shouldn’t Be Giving Dating Advice
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.