first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
