so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize
