We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
