i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
