Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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