How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
