Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
