I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
