It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
