I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
