Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize