yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
