Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
