why didn't you poke me back
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Randomize
