Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
