there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
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