I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
