either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
She's just so happy...and so naked.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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