It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
She's the barista slut.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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