just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
