Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Randomize
