glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Randomize
