If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Is that strawberry winking at me??
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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