any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Randomize
