If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
