i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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