when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
