I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
