Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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