My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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