can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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