I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
whose parrot is this?
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
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