The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
