I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
