If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
