I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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