when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
