Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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